He couldn’t understand. Of course he couldn’t, he’s a genuine take it or leave it drinker. In our 14 years together I can count on one hand how many times he’s spewed from drinking too much. On a night out, he just hits a point where he doesn’t want anymore and drinks water instead. I used to marvel (when sober) but find it irritating (when drunk) at his ability to do this. That switch just wasn’t in me, the switch that clicks when you’ve had too much. I had a different switch. My switch clicked during my first drink and told me I would continue to drink for as long as there was alcohol available to me.

He couldn’t understand how I would vow to not get smashed as I left the house and then 6 hours later be carried through my front door by a friend unable to walk or talk. I never went out with the intention to get obliterated, so why did I.  Apparently I needed to grow up

He couldn’t understand how I would lay in bed in the morning crying, vowing I wouldn’t get drunk like that again and then repeat a week later. Apparently I was a liar.

He couldn’t understand why a ‘one drink at the local’ with a friend and our kids in tow would result in me rolling home and somehow bringing the kids with me 4 hours later. Apparently I put alcohol before my kids.

He couldn’t understand how I would get through a Dry January and by 7th February be back to drinking at least 4 times a week. Apparently I just didn’t care.

He couldn’t understand why I would feel the need to drink a bottle a wine (and more recently more) while in the house by myself. Apparently I had issues.

He couldn’t understand and I couldn’t explain. So that was it. He finally asked me to leave.

I didn’t, I stayed and I fought. Not a single drop of alcohol has touched my lips since that day in March 2020.

He doesn’t understand how much of a war this is for me. But I can explain. I can explain how craving a drink makes me feel like crying, like punching someone, like I’m going to be sick, like I’m never going to overcome this spiral of self-loathing.

He’s trying to understand and I’m doing my best to explain. We will get through this, because my marriage is far more important to me than that shit ever was.